the perfect conclusion was that this is not a conversation that has to be happening right now
and to question my motives, whether my desires come from past habits and ego clinging or from core themes around my present. to think of life as a branding exercise...
you could hear that i was a little sick and that i'd been skipping my morning routine
i feel lifted... more integrated
thank you for the dance
-
happy birthday haerin
-
reasons are secondary explanations, like a narrative
causality is just imputation
gratitude is a skillful feeling
countless variables at play in these lives, all ultimately neither here nor there
reading mipham on the flight surrounded by sky
the beauty and ceaseless activities of the sky
clouds and mist and light
all of this is a show
deciding after squinting at the sun for some time that i must focus now
every moment is a chance to rest
I praise the best of teachers
Who taught dependent origination-
Not ceasing, not arising,
Not annihilated, not permanent,
Not going, not coming,
Not different, not the same-
As peace to pacify proliferation.
—Nagarjuna.
the mind is luminous and afflictions flow in
the mind is luminous and afflictions flow out
-
愛はいつも
透き通る水のよう
受け止めては
また離れていく
あなたに似ている
-
the necessity of arriving at speechlessness
the necessity of being ready to be surprised
-
thank you for being my perfect mirror
-
06.05.2025 11:04
for all of you indiscriminately
i am water without surface
-
05.05.2027 10:58
正在我覺得超過時
剛準備好要後悔時
突然想起 放下來的就放著 不用再拿起
一不小心就忘掉的事實
就小心的一再想起吧
-
30.04.2025 22:45
i told nick i can't wait for all of this to be over and he said "it’ll all be over soon, the moment we truly and genuinely realize it never arose to begin with"
mmmmm
-
30.04.2025 22:20
there's been a strange taste in my mouth the past week. i got 55/70 on an online korean test. exchanged voice messages with a white guy who became fluent in mandarin in 7 years. he inspired me to get back into my daily routine of language learning. i can't decide if i continue with korean or start japanese now. mark made me a mixtape and is mailing it to me. didn't make it to manhattan today and instead fell asleep in a strange position for 20 minutes and went out to eat mid cheeseburger and fries without my phone -- just sat there in the store and marveled at the 34g of sugar in the ginger ale, which i didn't even want but was part of the combo, i took it home and poured it in the sink. wrote to mikal about how i'm lonely and want physical comfort, he said "this feeling is based on delusion of self and others"... i can't understate the visceral relief i get from such a reminder. let's get straight to the point. i know what am i here to do. let the rest play out, let anyone take me for a ride, let anyone hold my hand and spin me around and i will land gracefully in some pose, stand up straight and take my leave. i can't wait for this all to be over.
in the meantime, i will love
“removing delusion itself also removes the goal…” - m
-
27.04.2025 22:33
testing out my entry system again before i go to bed. my body is tingly and i have an urge to dance. the flowers virgile got me are pretty. there's a bag of leftover seafood boil in my fridge that i don't want to eat. i have been post-y lately and i intuit i'll get severely over it in approximately 4 days.
walking around record stores and the tape fair today i felt freshness from touching things i don't know about and guessing at what they are. practicing my intuition and processing speed. each encounter is merely a preview, a dream, a trailer... all the lives we ever lived and all the earnest conversation we had (no matter its aftertaste) are previews of what is behind. in fact everything is always out there all at once. if not through word choice, then through body language, through one's eyes, breath, scent, temperature, subtler and subtler... energy... light...
i don't know what you're thinking or feeling yet, but i can feel you from here, and i know how i'll act, and i know what i am here for. nothing else matters and i am not afraid to be certain for even this certainty is provisional. all views are provisional
“The precious pot containing my riches becomes my teacher in the very moment it breaks.” - Milarepa
“My religion is not deceiving myself." - Milarepa
-
testing out my personal twitter i made in the morning while waiting for donavon at the bushwick la cabra we are going to the tape fair
-
27.04.2025 08:48
there is only the foam of time digesting letters written in sand.
and there is my conduct, which is free from accepting and rejecting.
-
24.04.2025 23:40
bursting at the seams with gratitude. perfect triptych on a thursday night with don - earth, death, dreams...
logged my 1100th film on letterboxd
call w mikal in the morning listening to his love story, thinking about discrepancies between what is known and what is felt... contradictions between what i've said aloud and what i feel and act on myself. i see how magic happens when i share. how could i not lean in?
i still want to be in somebodies arms, still want to be home in somebody's body. who are you? please come to me, or make me come to you.
-
22.04.2025 02:10
happy birthday to me. may i maintain the four immeasurables towards all sentient beings, may my practice be steady, thorough, pure, and effective. may all beings be free from suffering and the cause of suffering.
-
21.04.2025 15:42
bloated. having a space like this is indulgent. this is a gift of a new home for 29yo mad, in anticipation of me shedding my physical home in new york soon.
as lively and light as i've been, i find such comfort in darkness. in death, shadows, night, grey, tears, bitterness, grand loneliness and cold marble surfaces... thinking of my animal crossing passport title of "teary eyed fish"... i cry into water and it is all the same.
i am perfect just as i am, i have always been, i have always known this, i continue to know this and i never doubt it. but still i seek to grow, learn new skills, learn new people, still i want to go to school, make art, i want to be loved and held and looked for. i want flowers, and music, and wine, and jewelry and soft strokes. even devotion, once i'm ready.
-
20.04.2025 14:25
witnessing the trees of new york blush into blooms and then turn a little somber before smiling into chartreuse. of course i see myself in everything
but there is something about this story of being shy, then being a little existential, contemplating death and so on, and then remembering play, remembering light, remembering youth.
-
17.04.2025 23:04
i finally know what i would do if i were to die in days, i know who i would tell first, all the questions i would ask...
i'm finally back with my words and feeling at ease with myself after fumbling and getting scratched all over, scabbing and picking at scabs and needing something from someone. now i just sit down, i look slightly up, there is a rainbow in my heart.
there's so much i'm looking forward to, including death. i must do well.
i have 3 plans to see friends in the next week and i saved the weekend to myself. i'm happy i have an online home now that feels true to my values.
i rejoice that when i have to pull up something to share about spring 2025 and onwards, i will be pulling up madqh.com and not instagram.com/madqh
i look forward to sitting at a sweet cafe and cleaning up code. i know i will be looking so fresh and clean.
all sounds are mantra
i want to write, dance, kiss, bathe, touch, whisper, share slowly, bond slowly, merge slowly into the space that is no different than this body.
-
16.04.2025 21:34
just as the air in a vase merges with the surrounding space when the vase is broken
i'm thinking about how to make a transparent website and listening to mount eerire and poison girl friend. i have some plans for this space in the coming year. i'm turning 29 in ~5 days. this morning i read a chapter in a book about this "lady of absolute space" which is a name for Ekajati, a wrathful protector of Dzogchen teachings, and felt inspired. this site is somewhat a result of the impact of that phrase on that page.