First post from the daylight computer :) brought it to test if it could replace most laptop use cases
Aside from it being android it seems promising thus far
I need to find a better android launcher though
And find a neat way to convert handwriting
Now I'll read these travel pamphlets

-

gossamer

-

05:00

tea and apple juice and cocteau twins
grateful to soran for witnessing this era of me

-

01.07.2025 04:51

drifted to sleep with anan's 沉 playlist at low volumne, fell asleep to stone in focus and woke up 2hrs later with present, then the sacred dance
i had already decided to sign mikals keys once i get there and i saw he texted to ask me to sign his keys
they are finally coming around with the drink cart
i want apple juice

the sangha is gathering at a pub tonight

blessed beyond belief

-

may all my baroque worldly dreams come true for me and my future husband and baby fatfire frolic around the world holding hands

-

"The answer is simple: all usage of metaphysics in Buddhism is *soteriological*; it is merely a tool to liberate sentient beings, not an attempt to formulate a description of the world (like philosophy is). It is because sentient beings form metaphysical concepts that Buddhism has to use that language, too. There is no goal to create a theory of reality. Actually, it is in the very dissolution of all such theories that "reality" appears. So Buddhist philosophers do not form metaphysics, but employ dialectics to attack all metaphysical positions. "Emptiness" is merely a tool. It is not something we should attach to, thus, in Nagarjuna we read that emptiness is itself empty as everything else.
The Third Patriarch expressed it best:
Do not search for the Truth;
only cease to cherish opinions."

-

cocteau twins, jamc, looper... :) :) :)
cold water in my montbell titanium bottle
foot sling
longchenpa and rongzompa in my bag
henna tattoo on left hand
A

-

30.06.2025 20:43

at terminal 5 gate 524 precisely 32 minutes before boarding begins
wearing hoop earrings
hair in low pony
compression socks
buckwheat seat cushion

last i was in edinburgh i was 21, now i'm 29
things have changed, but i still laugh a lot w ri
i will listen to some scottish indie rock and walk around aimlessly with the secrets in my heart

everything is in order
may my mind find rest

-

27.06.2025 12:55

sana is so hot
i want to go to a wedding w twice blasting most of the time

-

26.06.2025 10:29

sweet tumeric latte at urth cafe
everyone trying their best

-

23.06.2025 11:33

at telos w ri, ཨ, the end is near

let me leave you with an extendable, well documented, impressive prototype so you can make the right decisions for your business... i will leave you to it and return to myself

i want it to be this way: everything i touch is blessed, every word i utter is considered, i am allowed to make mistakes

-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrpWZrLVsSI

this is what i hear on dmt

-

直覺真神聖
太多不懂你的片刻
太多跟不上的劇情
ha, mf, vs, tn, lo, ry

-

午覺醒來
心律不整
完美房間
完美劇本
.
覺得欣慰
我成為一個能夠為自己行為負責
從不辜負自己
知道適可而止
說到做到
獨立自主
懂得如何愛人
我以你為榮

-

不說氣話 不做氣事
還是朋友最好
dear所有親愛的朋友
one day i will make art for you

-

20.06.2025 19:30

this morning nick's cat roxie died
then i broke my own heart
then i talked on the phone with ri's dad, who told me he was lonely, that when he wakes up in the morning he wants to talk to his dead wife, but that he has friends, and he's taking care, and thanked me for caring
now i will go listen to classical indian music
it's summer solstice today and life in samsara is as muggy as ever
i hope at the end of the day i get to see you and give you a hug

-

20.06.2025 16:55

my heart hurts so much
called vyom sobbing
forever by charli xcx came into my head
vs, jc, nm, ry, mk, cn, lh

-

20.06.2025 01:22

i feel light after having dear friends over
eat, drink, draw, take pictures, lay down, laugh too loud
immediately cleaned up and put objects to rest
now i will rest
56 friends have come to my room since june 2023
잘 지켜주셔서 감사합니다
michael said... "then just flip the page"
last 10 days of june

-

+ i feel so strongly that i cannot be fucked with.
+ excited for sounds at barzakh cafe, quite pleased about my latest new friend
+ do not be afraid of your own displays

-

19.06.2025 14:22

listening to dedicated and remembering doe eyed mad. echoey empty loft on madison, 23, fumbling to appease the ego, long before the things she knows now

life now is beyond her imagination, yet it is also nothing other than exactly what was awaiting her. here she is again with the same synthpop and eager lyrics coming out of the work computer

-

reading zt. heart swelling, limbs light, sky gazing

"So, such findings should cause us to pause and question if we really think we understand things as well as we think we do." - m

"I like difficult points, they are thought provoking and force us to reassess our ideas." - m

"To address these texts in their fullness one really does need a global education in five sciences, as well as the tantras, medicine, calculation, and so on." - m

Prapañca

this is all so absurd

helplessly grateful for letters, words, concepts, intellectual banter, and the rest...

-

18.06.2024 18:44

認命的快感

-

many types of bugs landing all over me (10+ types)
on my shirt, on my desk, on my phone, on my body, on my computer, in the air
scurrying, resting, drawing something for me
symphony

there are strings of iridescent vinyl in the girl's hair in front of me

i love listening to your music
i miss your voice
i miss kissaten
i miss kiki's eagerness

miss ashtanga
miss walking w mom on sanmin rd
miss my car

no nostalgia for samsara - trungpa

-

18.06.2025 14:11

discovering new neighborhood businesses
hamlet coffee company backyard
irie jerk chicken
zen vegetarian
record city

speak less
watch my mind with vigilance
ཨ

muggy
birdsong
us and our computers
path phenomena

-

thurs to mon will be sunny

-

-3 on my watchlist
clean hair
clean sheets
clear mind
clear heart
bloody tub
8 more days of sitting straight and linking frames

the mind is luminous and afflictions flow in
the mind is luminous and afflictions flow out

-

17.06.2025 18:51

good work day
reading forum
dry eyes
m's patience is awe inspiring
i aspire to have a fraction of his patience when dealing with those who come to me in need

-

15.06.2025 01:37

lost my sense of time
tried something new today
decided square nails is more me

some conversations today:
+ masseuse amy re: 天註定, 藥引子, doing what we love
+ tim re: architecture
+ austin + ashley re: relationships, "the one"
+ oliver re: cw&t work and eq, view alignment w/ partners, avoidance, apology
+ oliver + crystal re: dating apps, 老鄉, rent price vs risk tolerance, dancing vs one person maneuvering
+ oliver + tom re: lic map, teenage engineering funding story

thinking about:
+ interior design (eg ceiling lamp hung closer to the ground than the ceiling)
+ austin re: "this is the best iphone yet"
+ gracefully changing my mind, or re-suspending it, i do what i need in each moment
+ ij ladder metaphor
+ what about being water without surface for myself?

intentional, precise, natural (thus effective)
intuitive, open, and fearless
relaxed yet aware, effortlessly in perfect posture
like my room

-

arvo pärt
laundry in the machine
life in a female bodymind

digicam, homemaking, printed matter
今天下雨

-

感動 on the lounge chair at telos writing birthday message to m
i bow to all the things "i" ever did that led me to these teachings
will have a glass of wine at eyval in m's honor
everything is perfect all the time
things continue to appear
our energy returns and we get things done

-

happy saga dawa

"A change in my own mindset from needing to benefit through action and speech to one centered on presence.
And relations which reflect that"

may every slip of mind serve me

restrained yet relaxed
pure
purposeful
present
gnosis fairy
master of reality

-

so many details to refine on this website

today i talked to
- ri
- anan
- s
- don
- crystal + austin
- vyom + kenneth + praagy + ri
- joyce
- amy
- caren
etc

1/2 through my 3/5th meeting of the day
arvo pärt tape in the morning was immaculate

i like to observe as the days go on

-

- lemon
- parsley
- pasta
- tomato paste
- protein milk x1
- garlic

almost
- lucky charms
- garlic bread paste
- honey

-

nick: look at this photo i took of your bell
me: that's me... waiting for my man...

-

09.06.2025 11:09

nick is here
black birds against grey sky
11:11 from ri
last work week before the date i've been waiting for since the winter
first tibetan class this afternoon
paper
"humans can answer questions"
so true bestie

-

rather than stomping down a path then backtracking i would rather stay suspended and floaty. each step is sacred and drenched in intention and the footprints make a sculpture in the ground for the birds flying above

-

from this mornings yantra session
"so, don't worry, the movement will train you"
“the movement will help you breathe correctly”

from mission impossible the final reckoning
"our cause pales in comparison to the impact of our effect"
"driving without question towards a light we cannot see... for those we'll never meet"

-

06.06.2025 10:24

“if you understand the ultimate, then nothing contradicts. if you understand lots of different relative, you’ll be confused and see lots of contradiction”

“even if you don’t recognize, still there’s only one stage”

"we aren't in samsara, we are samsara"

色即是空
空即是色

-

there is no correct relative truth

-

utterly flawed
brimming with afflictions
made of light
perfect girl

-

05.06.2025 22:22
不鬧了

-

05.06.2025 21:58

i open my eyes and my heart is a rainbow
the three words of garab dorje
and all the ambient sounds of the world
and me, free falling into empty earth
my stomach is made of light
my hair drifting, caressing space
i approach an edge that arose from space and a doom wafts towards me, i turn around to face myself...
reach my hand out to her and say
okay
let's go

-

the truth will set you free
but not until it is finished with you

-

02.06.2025 17:50

june came with fresh
bowl of sea salt for incense
page of the calendar
matte phone screen protector
daylight computer

along with
affirmations from friends
confession and relief
climbing gym trial (no chalk)
cassette tapes from don
iu ballad about impermanence

-

my heart aches
you are blindingly beautiful

-

不急

-

so much i want to show you

-

日子一天一天過

-

28.05.2025 11:58

alan's afties playlist... kisses
earth to - purelink
december - erika de casier
don't die lil thing - europa, bod[包家巷]
gloria's guestbook entires
texting vyom "hi bb how are u"
texting gray about purelink and images
coco trying to make plans
laurent sending me caki pics/vids

i'm doing digital chores
s is doing physical chores
work is slow this week
need 1hr deep stretch session

m quotes echoing in my head, always
"we have to understand everything is completely equivalent to an illusion"

i love these appearances, i love this illusion, i love this dream

prostrations to the ultimate guru, my non-arising mind
"you are young so you have to enjoy life..."

off cycle bonus
perfect aglio e olio for grace

our shared tears
"精緻生活" - ming

perhaps someday ready for devotion...
for now, utterly ready to devote myself
to every one of you
i am yours
i will do my best
you are all safe with me

-

28.05.2025 11:56

unreal

-

in my noona era

-

my perfect angel

-

"thanks for the light excuse my unruly conduct cya"
"ur unruly conduct is divine my guy"

-

27.05.2025 10:42

room in its state

rest, relax, enjoy my room
when you relax the truth emerges
like clouds manifesting in the sky
bubbles popping
like forgetting
like healing
effortless

hope mikal's is doing well in retreat
hope allan has a safe flight home
love 8 ball
love nick's daily text messages of dharma texts
honored that anan and mashu come to me for advice about art and life
honored to help you
honored to look into your eyes
honored to have your hands around my waist
love shuhua's reflections and practice
love that she shares spiritual musings with me
love that aidan is doing eugene's tibetan grammar course
love that steeng is coming to nyc start of september
love these appearances
love to play
love to have my preferences
love being a fast and concise decision maker
love protected, yet agile
i will do better for all of you

-

i rejoice for every chance i have to observe my mind and do better. for me, which is for others. i can sense there's much left to dissolve, much space for growth, much time yet to pass

and i'm thinking about when i might've been hasty, how i can be better at suspending judgement and more careful with my speech.

the spiral upwards, the pleateaus in ij... life repeating itself with characters switched -- this is something i want to expand on further. the myriad ways we pay it forward

i shall discern these fine lines
merge with my knowledge, turn them into body, muscle memory, reflex
wield and weave them
dance with you

-

thank you

-

tiers of truth

-

slept at ~5 woke up at ~8:13, sent a bunch of ig reels to people, brushed teeth, put on sweatpants so i'm all gray, massaged brow muscles, cleaned up tea wares from last night, put on a tape called canyon lip by talk west don brought last night, drank some water, lit incense, did morning practice, paid for tibetan class and checked what else i could knock off the todo list before looking at work... no other suitable item rn. caught up a bit on zt and there are a few threads relevant to what i've been thinking and discussing lately. texted dad, nick, noor, allan, aidan, grace, crystal. peeked into fridge. garlands of raindrops on my window

-

what i dislike is also just a mirror for me
to see my own face
my aversions reveal what i must let go of
still, sometimes i am right
and since i care, i must maintain that there are tiers to art and expression in terms of resolution, intention, and long term effect
i still stand by what i said to anan once... about being at peace with a world in which we produce and express significantly less -- it's neither nihilism nor clinging to the perfection of never having started -- it's just a philosophical and aesthetic preference like any other, which comes from intuition and wariness. a natural reaction to the contexts i live in. of course this whole page does the opposite and i have many more ideas and games to play. this page does what i am used to -- practice online vulnerability, play with the screen and self, start without reservations -- and i am having fun

-

next round of confusion
next round of answers

-

20.05.2025 10:02

got up at 8:30. cleaned and organized apartment. swept, vacuumed, mopped, lit incense, updated to-do list, put clothes away, organized fridge... last night i shut down both of my computers so they are rested and in a good mood, so am i. listened to mashu's tape and then to masakatsu takagi all morning bc gray sent me a specific song last night that had his son's voice in it. it's true i don't know anyone who loves their space as much as i love mine. being in here is a motivator and blessing and i know my heart will ache for it in the near future. but i know many homes, my body-mind is home, friend's words are home, water is home, sky is home. the space between us is home. look forward to hosting new kins in this room on thursday and to the end of this work day

-

the perfect conclusion was that this is not a conversation that has to be happening right now
and to question my motives, whether my desires come from past habits and ego clinging or from core themes around my present. to think of life as a branding exercise...
you could hear that i was a little sick and that i'd been skipping my morning routine
i feel lifted... more integrated
thank you for the dance

-

happy birthday haerin

-

reasons are secondary explanations, like a narrative
causality is just imputation
gratitude is a skillful feeling
countless variables at play in these lives, all ultimately neither here nor there

reading mipham on the flight surrounded by sky
the beauty and ceaseless activities of the sky
clouds and mist and light
all of this is a show
deciding after squinting at the sun for some time that i must focus now
every moment is a chance to rest

I praise the best of teachers
Who taught dependent origination-
Not ceasing, not arising,
Not annihilated, not permanent,
Not going, not coming,
Not different, not the same-
As peace to pacify proliferation.
—Nagarjuna.

the mind is luminous and afflictions flow in
the mind is luminous and afflictions flow out

-

愛はいつも
透き通る水のよう
受け止めては
また離れていく
あなたに似ている

-

the necessity of arriving at speechlessness
the necessity of being ready to be surprised

-

thank you for being my perfect mirror

-

06.05.2025 11:04
for all of you indiscriminately
i am water without surface

-

05.05.2027 10:58
正在我覺得超過時
剛準備好要後悔時
突然想起 放下來的就放著 不用再拿起
一不小心就忘掉的事實
就小心的一再想起吧

-

30.04.2025 22:45
i told nick i can't wait for all of this to be over and he said "it’ll all be over soon, the moment we truly and genuinely realize it never arose to begin with"
mmmmm

-

30.04.2025 22:20
there's been a strange taste in my mouth the past week. i got 55/70 on an online korean test. exchanged voice messages with a white guy who became fluent in mandarin in 7 years. he inspired me to get back into my daily routine of language learning. i can't decide if i continue with korean or start japanese now. mark made me a mixtape and is mailing it to me. didn't make it to manhattan today and instead fell asleep in a strange position for 20 minutes and went out to eat mid cheeseburger and fries without my phone -- just sat there in the store and marveled at the 34g of sugar in the ginger ale, which i didn't even want but was part of the combo, i took it home and poured it in the sink. wrote to mikal about how i'm lonely and want physical comfort, he said "this feeling is based on delusion of self and others"... i can't understate the visceral relief i get from such a reminder. let's get straight to the point. i know what am i here to do. let the rest play out, let anyone take me for a ride, let anyone hold my hand and spin me around and i will land gracefully in some pose, stand up straight and take my leave. i can't wait for this all to be over.

in the meantime, i will love

“removing delusion itself also removes the goal…” - m

-

27.04.2025 22:33
testing out my entry system again before i go to bed. my body is tingly and i have an urge to dance. the flowers virgile got me are pretty. there's a bag of leftover seafood boil in my fridge that i don't want to eat. i have been post-y lately and i intuit i'll get severely over it in approximately 4 days.
walking around record stores and the tape fair today i felt freshness from touching things i don't know about and guessing at what they are. practicing my intuition and processing speed. each encounter is merely a preview, a dream, a trailer... all the lives we ever lived and all the earnest conversation we had (no matter its aftertaste) are previews of what is behind. in fact everything is always out there all at once. if not through word choice, then through body language, through one's eyes, breath, scent, temperature, subtler and subtler... energy... light...
i don't know what you're thinking or feeling yet, but i can feel you from here, and i know how i'll act, and i know what i am here for. nothing else matters and i am not afraid to be certain for even this certainty is provisional. all views are provisional
“The precious pot containing my riches becomes my teacher in the very moment it breaks.” - Milarepa
“My religion is not deceiving myself." - Milarepa

-

testing out my personal twitter i made in the morning while waiting for donavon at the bushwick la cabra we are going to the tape fair

-

27.04.2025 08:48
there is only the foam of time digesting letters written in sand.
and there is my conduct, which is free from accepting and rejecting.

-

24.04.2025 23:40
bursting at the seams with gratitude. perfect triptych on a thursday night with don - earth, death, dreams...
logged my 1100th film on letterboxd
call w mikal in the morning listening to his love story, thinking about discrepancies between what is known and what is felt... contradictions between what i've said aloud and what i feel and act on myself. i see how magic happens when i share. how could i not lean in?
i still want to be in somebodies arms, still want to be home in somebody's body. who are you? please come to me, or make me come to you.

-

22.04.2025 02:10
happy birthday to me. may i maintain the four immeasurables towards all sentient beings, may my practice be steady, thorough, pure, and effective. may all beings be free from suffering and the cause of suffering.

-

21.04.2025 15:42
bloated. having a space like this is indulgent. this is a gift of a new home for 29yo mad, in anticipation of me shedding my physical home in new york soon.
as lively and light as i've been, i find such comfort in darkness. in death, shadows, night, grey, tears, bitterness, grand loneliness and cold marble surfaces... thinking of my animal crossing passport title of "teary eyed fish"... i cry into water and it is all the same.
i am perfect just as i am, i have always been, i have always known this, i continue to know this and i never doubt it. but still i seek to grow, learn new skills, learn new people, still i want to go to school, make art, i want to be loved and held and looked for. i want flowers, and music, and wine, and jewelry and soft strokes. even devotion, once i'm ready.

-

20.04.2025 14:25
witnessing the trees of new york blush into blooms and then turn a little somber before smiling into chartreuse. of course i see myself in everything
but there is something about this story of being shy, then being a little existential, contemplating death and so on, and then remembering play, remembering light, remembering youth.

-

17.04.2025 23:04
i finally know what i would do if i were to die in days, i know who i would tell first, all the questions i would ask...
i'm finally back with my words and feeling at ease with myself after fumbling and getting scratched all over, scabbing and picking at scabs and needing something from someone. now i just sit down, i look slightly up, there is a rainbow in my heart.
there's so much i'm looking forward to, including death. i must do well.
i have 3 plans to see friends in the next week and i saved the weekend to myself. i'm happy i have an online home now that feels true to my values.
i rejoice that when i have to pull up something to share about spring 2025 and onwards, i will be pulling up madqh.com and not instagram.com/madqh
i look forward to sitting at a sweet cafe and cleaning up code. i know i will be looking so fresh and clean.
all sounds are mantra
i want to write, dance, kiss, bathe, touch, whisper, share slowly, bond slowly, merge slowly into the space that is no different than this body.

-

16.04.2025 21:34
just as the air in a vase merges with the surrounding space when the vase is broken

i'm thinking about how to make a transparent website and listening to mount eerire and poison girl friend. i have some plans for this space in the coming year. i'm turning 29 in ~5 days. this morning i read a chapter in a book about this "lady of absolute space" which is a name for Ekajati, a wrathful protector of Dzogchen teachings, and felt inspired. this site is somewhat a result of the impact of that phrase on that page.