wishing i was someone else
feeling sorry for myself
when i remembered someone's kid is dead

-

mini cup of buldak is the perfect amount of buldak

-

19.08.2025 16:58

got home from ri's -- donated a whole box of linens and my old blanket, got my camping gear back and the beloved attachment parka... heirloom tier item that will keep me warm in the desert. every time we meet to swap stuff we laugh so much

thinking a lot about parenting dynamics the past few days. met a dog downstairs that looks like cartier except he's 3 months old. han dropped off a digicam downstairs and wrote ( ु⁎ᴗ_ᴗ⁎)ु.｡oO on the envelope. shuhua dreamt i had blonde hair. i dreamt mashu texted me, woke up and saw that he had called me. vivienne replied my texts after 4 months with sobering facts about the past -- abuse, alcoholism, trauma, betrayal -- tuesday afternoon in Samsara™, wondering if i could ever be surprised again

sleepy now. running the washer, charging the digicam, unenthused by my words...

-

15.08.2025 22:11

dear cartier,
i don't mind that you might not recognize me or remember me, i don't mind that you don't remember saving my life. i love you forever, and i will protect you in every way until the day i die

-

the fabric of existence pulled out from under me through your glistening explanations
i fall straight down into an abyss of love

-

i want to jump into lake powell

-

resistance + excitement = right path

-

i can do anything i want. get up, do all the dishes, clean up apartment a little more, open the window, digest long zt threads in bed and switch to watching michelin chefs cook ramen when my brain heats up

-

總不能跟乞丐要錢
適可而止是多麼的需要毅力
「到最後反反覆覆忙忙碌碌辛辛苦苦不知為了什麼～」

"If I am honest, I feel lonely every day my dear"

-

13.08.2025 14:44

back hurts
no appetite
teary eyed
spent the morning going through papers

every letter i received from ri
card from flowers they sent to my work when i had a bad day
lost bear poster they made for me when i lost yama during a lunch break -- i found yama and kept him safe for 7 more years, lost him again on a night in les near empanada mamas
photobooth strip from my first solo trip to belgium
drawing from taeyoon that says "i want to be your friend"
a note of driving rules my dad made when they first got me a car

my heart swells for all of us

-

12.08.2025 21:27

i love to come home to a well ventilated room
take care of room, body, mind
update calendar and gratitude log
wash the day off

1. film with ming, caren, yishin, ally, rui
2. walk with aidan
3. room with shuhua
4. jersey with nick

my tulips are starting to bloom

5. tiger hands with laiyi, ritu, dana, ana
6. frick collection with gloria, anne, jess
7. climb with hani, clara
8. laurent's exhibition
9. lunch with seb
10. day with kathy, weston, luca, parker
11. lunch with will
12. seb's show
13. gloria, wjl's show
14. dharma chat with m, osa, ming, soran

-

12.08.2025 20:10

i love to take the bus

-

i do not know a single person who is more trustworthy and dependable than me and that fucking sucks but it's also pretty cool

-

凡我所失皆非我所有
凡我所求皆受其所困

may this wisdom and patience be guarded by fierce dragons who know my worth

-

new experiences every day
today its the port authority bus terminal

-

11.08.2025 09:56

deleted outlook, slack, teams
人有悲傷離別 日有陰晴圓缺 此事古難全

-

i don't know...

-

10.08.2025 11:30

woke up early, mouth tape and sleep mask still on my face
cleaned the floors
marked blocks on my bingo card with rhinestones
started listening to a trio of lectures on tape called 私の老年人生論 by 早川一照, spiritual and medical advice for elderlies

"Dr. Kazumitsu Hayakawa, a renowned expert in dementia treatment and prevention, shares powerful messages from his extensive clinical experience on how to age wisely and healthily.
How can one overcome the suffering and fear associated with aging, illness, and death to live a fulfilling life?
Dr. Hayakawa, who has witnessed the lives, deaths, and aftermath of many people, will address this question from the perspective of a clinical physician. The book is filled with insights on how to embrace a fulfilling old age."

did a digital chore for mom
cleaned email and checked finances
cleaned my laptop and monitor
charged my air duster
strolled down flatbush ave at 10 and watched businesses set up shop
got pads, insoles for flats, and a dozen eggs at target
refused to take nwpp bag, carried them in my arms as i walked home
checked mail and read ritu's thank you letter <3
tried on the insoles
loaded my pot lids in the dishwasher (i was thinking on my walk how my pot lids are dirty when i remembered the dishwasher was half loaded so there is space for it) and ran it
now i lay belly down as i listen to the rest of the tapes and the sound of my ac, dishwasher, and tatung steamer

-

見招拆招

-

09.08.2025 22:55

blistered feet
17.56 miles in 5h 52m with aidan
(~3 miles in fivefingers and ~14 in oofoos)
aidan sang the first few lines of 陳綺貞 漂著
discussed abrahamic religions while dodging bodies in midtown
we caught our 33000th step on his watch
還沒開始就累了
不知不覺就到了

*・．*ੈ✩‧₊˚*

indispensable bodhicitta
a ship to set sail across the world and dock in every creatures heart

on my 8th year in new york (18.07.2018)
從今天開始過只有一台電腦的生活

the day i quit, the worker at the sushi place approached me about my book and said he loves wisdom pub. on my last day of work caren brought us wisdom pub postcards she found at a friends place. the day after, today, aidan brought a book from wisdom pub he found at a bookstore for $8. thank you for being my checkpoint angels

-

09.08.2025 10:53

in a cheer chen mood lately
injured right eye on my birthday
injured right eye on my last day of work
heart contracts and expands
257 days until 30
友誼萬歲
隨喜讚嘆

"you are the boat
you are the oar
do not be disheartened by the horizon
of the infinite ocean of life"

自問自答
說到做到
一針見血
當機立斷
自成一格

-

07.08.2025 12:03

i love to put things into place
i love to be in motion
i love leaving
i love returning

-

ri is getting into IGT and that is so fun
looking forward to having a backpack setup
suzuki cappuccino

-

01.08.2025 21:20

1. perfect start
- cocoron, morgansterns, bungee space with praagya
- biked to sinderela's, made a plate, an egg charm, a heart charm, and 4 hanbyul charms
- sinderela's career musings and toni morrison synchronicity
- biked home to a message from joe -- "the whole thing had its ups and downs but there were a few times where your creative spark burned through all the chaos that will always be super memorable for me."
- ”多往後看 我麼自己古老的一些東西 也許可以幫助我們面對這麼複雜的眼前的一些困難“ (a pure person point hsu mix)
- day in my life on close friends story

2. me
- routine, reset, retreat
- yoga, kumbhaka, dance, strength training
- korean, tibetan, linguistic
- personal finance

3. eyedrops
- cataloging and minimizing my room, "my room" collection, my room x telos.haus
- digi mad -- madqh.com/madqh youtube
- calligraphy, words, videos, installations

4. tomorrow
- viola's room with vyom, praagya, yogi

-

home in my body
everything in its place
passion for chores, maintenance, presence
hours worked
verticals built around individuals
how you feel about the relationship, not the person
laurent choosing meditation as his answer to my question
friends events to support in the city in the next month (m, shu, steeng, seb)
my manifesto

-

30.07.2025 12:10

hi, it's mad. 7.5 days of work left, the end is near. summer calendar filling up, a few friends' names in the back of my mind, mercury in retrograde. thinking about taipei, tokyo, weight training, ashtanga, letting go. i still don't have much to say these days -- when i contrive, i suffer. 外面很熱, the produce from choy commons taste sharp and clean, ready to wash hair and bleach brows.

then, i will select a time to scheme. i'm eager -- my life is my art

(retreat, routine, home/body/money reset, a gift, a series, a celebration, a performance of sorts)

-

brassica

-

happy chokhor duchen

-

28.07.2025 15:42

put on eyelid tape to adjust the folds
thinking about
- all the produce in my fridge i want to tend to
- a month of enforcing a routine
- 先斬後奏
- ashtanga
- book binding

-

26.07.2025 02:33

愛回家的話 就要先出門
做的事都做了 還做了更多
一切都在運行中

我要當大家的小精靈
悄悄的來 悄悄地去
煙消雲散 含苞綻放

-

22.07.2025 12:37

cy twombly letter of resignation
the right view of no view
the right path of no path
"The conflict you experience is unavoidable because in this case Mad plays all of the judge, the prison guard and the prisoner"
the end is near

-

18.07.2025 01:38

oliver and cindy visited the day they cleaned my windows
saw bing, echo, meiting, shuhua at island gallery, i love these girls and their playful spirit
talked to mikal and nick for hours today, they are two angels on my shoulders
i had a good day after all, and i feel so certain of my view and my stance on things
secure
ready
challenged

-

17.07.2025 16:10

they cleaned my window
my heart hurts
i made soup
throwing things away, one at a time
saying what i mean, always

-

想一想 問自己 莫打聽

-

meirenbiwozhidao..

-

17.07.2025 00:11

organizing dharma folder and notes
listening to ambient piano
face plump from sheet mask
nothing can help rigpa
nothing can harm rigpa

-

16.07.2025 22:03

i went out on a walk, took one step at a time
anger, disappointment, dissolution, dissonance
nick sent me a long message about having no hopes and expectations for others

impulse shopped choy divisions today and i'm excited -- i can see my next era being fancy groceries era, get into food and home goods if i'm to stay here for a while
having cindy and shuhua over this week ♡ my girls

-

“Rest in natural great peace this exhausted mind,
Beaten helplessly by karma and neurotic thoughts
Like the relentless fury of the pounding waves
In the infinite ocean of samsara.
Rest in natural great peace.”

— Nyoshul Khen Rinpoche

-

i almost forgot that saturn return just officially started. i have been wanting to cry for days. confusion and loneliness mixed with disdain and exhaustion. i need to rest, i need to be contained, i need to be emptied. 想一想 問自己 莫打聽 遠去者去了遠方 願他都安息...

venus in gemini in 12th house... maybe it's time to stop being rational. maybe i float here, i wait, i indulge, i let everything happen to me until i know. i can do anything i want, but maybe in the event of not knowing what i want, i can give myself the grace of doing what i am already doing without an added narrative. i listen to my body and quit my job even though my mind keeps objecting. i'm okay right here, mid-air

"do not be afraid of your own displays"
i will always remember how to play

-

15.07.2025 16:58

> 22hrs into my fast
> mercury in retrograde in leo in 3 days
> sad my flowers aren't drinking water nor blooming, stuck in time and fading away
> want to run away
> want to go home home
> want in n out
> irked by a coworker's demeanors
> mikal's reading my chart
> 該說的都說了
> washed shower curtains
> exact saturn return started 22.05
> strongest influence of saturn return 29.06...!!
> relax
> no offers i know what i have

-

In the Dzogchen teaching, it’s considered that compassion must arise from knowing oneself truly. If one constructs compassion, or feels compassion in the interests of something, or one builds up a sort of artificial compassion, that leaves no room for a real and true compassion. And a true compassion will never arise. So true compassion arises from what we refer to in the verses, dagdang thayay semchan kun, (bdag-dang mtha’-yas sems-can-kun), that is, the commitment to deeply knowing oneself, and knowing what one’s nature is. And this is what produces a true compassion.

If I’m conscious of knowing what my real condition is as essence, nature, and energy, I know too that my knowledge, that knowledge, must develop and deepen. Through deepening and development of that knowledge, I’m on the path that leads to realization. But I’m conscious that there are thousands and millions of beings who don’t have this knowledge, numberless beings who want to be happy, or want to be content, but have no idea where happiness or contentment could come from.

For example, not knowing the principle of dualism, not knowing this, not understanding it, they make of their lives a kind of struggle. Through struggling through any of the many kinds of combat and struggling, one simply intensifies the dualism of the situation. When one knows about this condition, then one finally is in a position to transcend it, to go beyond the dualistic situation.

But there are so many beings who don’t know and who have no way of understanding. If I’m truly conscious of this, there’s no way to remain indifferent, uncaring, in the face of a being who’s suffering and transmigrating. So compassion needs to be understood in this way. It’s something serious and represents a real intention to collaborate, to cooperate, to help the other. If you want to help someone, you’ve got to have at least a minimum of capacity.

– Chogyal Namkhai Norbu, Talks in New York City, USA 1979 Translated from Italian Into English by Barry Simmons

-

> fasting for a bit
> decided on an end date
> day 0 of my cycle
> gifting myself a start

generosity (dāna)
morality (śīla)
patience (kṣānti)
vigor/diligence (vīrya)
concentration (dhyāna)
wisdom (prajñā)

-

無話可說

-

15.07.2025 08:49

assumptions
expectations
faded tan
accumulation (of objects, aversion, desire...)
spontaneous bodhicitta
disappointment
mucus dislodging

unexcited and burdened by concepts and this small body
worldly concerns sabotage me

i can do anything i want
i can do anything i want
i can do anything i want

-

14.07.2025 13:38

i want frozen yogurt

-

08.07.2025 00:16

time warped july

gargled salt water, mikal gave me vit d, melatonin, ayurvedic antiviral pill, throat lozenges, ibuprofen... with water and some bread
sticky stool
eventful july (laiyi, eileen, jackie?, mark c, paul, etc)
every day octuple texts from ri

understanding, recognition, realization, liberation
xiang hui jia
mikal, noor, rurik, martin, tina, ari, hans, ilya

resting in a moment of instant presence
phrasing questions in my head
heavy eyes
perfect girl

-

04.07.2025 18:06

Strong winds in Edinburgh
Lei
Got Chinese groceries for a simple meal later
Wine every day
Try my best to keep back straight
Amoghasiddhi
Green
Perfect girl

-

First post from the daylight computer :) brought it to test if it could replace most laptop use cases
Aside from it being android it seems promising thus far
I need to find a better android launcher though
And find a neat way to convert handwriting
Now I'll read these travel pamphlets

-

gossamer

-

05:00

tea and apple juice and cocteau twins
grateful to soran for witnessing this era of me

-

01.07.2025 04:51

drifted to sleep with anan's 沉 playlist at low volumne, fell asleep to stone in focus and woke up 2hrs later with present, then the sacred dance
i had already decided to sign mikals keys once i get there and i saw he texted to ask me to sign his keys
they are finally coming around with the drink cart
i want apple juice

the sangha is gathering at a pub tonight

blessed beyond belief

-

may all my baroque worldly dreams come true for me and my future husband and baby fatfire frolic around the world holding hands

-

"The answer is simple: all usage of metaphysics in Buddhism is *soteriological*; it is merely a tool to liberate sentient beings, not an attempt to formulate a description of the world (like philosophy is). It is because sentient beings form metaphysical concepts that Buddhism has to use that language, too. There is no goal to create a theory of reality. Actually, it is in the very dissolution of all such theories that "reality" appears. So Buddhist philosophers do not form metaphysics, but employ dialectics to attack all metaphysical positions. "Emptiness" is merely a tool. It is not something we should attach to, thus, in Nagarjuna we read that emptiness is itself empty as everything else.
The Third Patriarch expressed it best:
Do not search for the Truth;
only cease to cherish opinions."

-

cocteau twins, jamc, looper... :) :) :)
cold water in my montbell titanium bottle
foot sling
longchenpa and rongzompa in my bag
henna tattoo on left hand
A

-

30.06.2025 20:43

at terminal 5 gate 524 precisely 32 minutes before boarding begins
wearing hoop earrings
hair in low pony
compression socks
buckwheat seat cushion

last i was in edinburgh i was 21, now i'm 29
things have changed, but i still laugh a lot w ri
i will listen to some scottish indie rock and walk around aimlessly with the secrets in my heart

everything is in order
may my mind find rest

-

27.06.2025 12:55

sana is so hot
i want to go to a wedding w twice blasting most of the time

-

26.06.2025 10:29

sweet tumeric latte at urth cafe
everyone trying their best

-

23.06.2025 11:33

at telos w ri, ཨ, the end is near

let me leave you with an extendable, well documented, impressive prototype so you can make the right decisions for your business... i will leave you to it and return to myself

i want it to be this way: everything i touch is blessed, every word i utter is considered, i am allowed to make mistakes

-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrpWZrLVsSI

this is what i hear on dmt

-

直覺真神聖
太多不懂你的片刻
太多跟不上的劇情
ha, mf, vs, tn, lo, ry

-

午覺醒來
心律不整
完美房間
完美劇本
.
覺得欣慰
我成為一個能夠為自己行為負責
從不辜負自己
知道適可而止
說到做到
獨立自主
懂得如何愛人
我以你為榮

-

不說氣話 不做氣事
還是朋友最好
dear所有親愛的朋友
one day i will make art for you

-

20.06.2025 19:30

this morning nick's cat roxie died
then i broke my own heart
then i talked on the phone with ri's dad, who told me he was lonely, that when he wakes up in the morning he wants to talk to his dead wife, but that he has friends, and he's taking care, and thanked me for caring
now i will go listen to classical indian music
it's summer solstice today and life in samsara is as muggy as ever
i hope at the end of the day i get to see you and give you a hug

-

20.06.2025 16:55

my heart hurts so much
called vyom sobbing
forever by charli xcx came into my head
vs, jc, nm, ry, mk, cn, lh

-

20.06.2025 01:22

i feel light after having dear friends over
eat, drink, draw, take pictures, lay down, laugh too loud
immediately cleaned up and put objects to rest
now i will rest
56 friends have come to my room since june 2023
잘 지켜주셔서 감사합니다
michael said... "then just flip the page"
last 10 days of june

-

+ i feel so strongly that i cannot be fucked with.
+ excited for sounds at barzakh cafe, quite pleased about my latest new friend
+ do not be afraid of your own displays

-

19.06.2025 14:22

listening to dedicated and remembering doe eyed mad. echoey empty loft on madison, 23, fumbling to appease the ego, long before the things she knows now

life now is beyond her imagination, yet it is also nothing other than exactly what was awaiting her. here she is again with the same synthpop and eager lyrics coming out of the work computer

-

reading zt. heart swelling, limbs light, sky gazing

"So, such findings should cause us to pause and question if we really think we understand things as well as we think we do." - m

"I like difficult points, they are thought provoking and force us to reassess our ideas." - m

"To address these texts in their fullness one really does need a global education in five sciences, as well as the tantras, medicine, calculation, and so on." - m

Prapañca

this is all so absurd

helplessly grateful for letters, words, concepts, intellectual banter, and the rest...

-

18.06.2024 18:44

認命的快感

-

many types of bugs landing all over me (10+ types)
on my shirt, on my desk, on my phone, on my body, on my computer, in the air
scurrying, resting, drawing something for me
symphony

there are strings of iridescent vinyl in the girl's hair in front of me

i love listening to your music
i miss your voice
i miss kissaten
i miss kiki's eagerness

miss ashtanga
miss walking w mom on sanmin rd
miss my car

no nostalgia for samsara - trungpa

-

18.06.2025 14:11

discovering new neighborhood businesses
hamlet coffee company backyard
irie jerk chicken
zen vegetarian
record city

speak less
watch my mind with vigilance
ཨ

muggy
birdsong
us and our computers
path phenomena

-

thurs to mon will be sunny

-

-3 on my watchlist
clean hair
clean sheets
clear mind
clear heart
bloody tub
8 more days of sitting straight and linking frames

the mind is luminous and afflictions flow in
the mind is luminous and afflictions flow out

-

17.06.2025 18:51

good work day
reading forum
dry eyes
m's patience is awe inspiring
i aspire to have a fraction of his patience when dealing with those who come to me in need

-

15.06.2025 01:37

lost my sense of time
tried something new today
decided square nails is more me

some conversations today:
+ masseuse amy re: 天註定, 藥引子, doing what we love
+ tim re: architecture
+ austin + ashley re: relationships, "the one"
+ oliver re: cw&t work and eq, view alignment w/ partners, avoidance, apology
+ oliver + crystal re: dating apps, 老鄉, rent price vs risk tolerance, dancing vs one person maneuvering
+ oliver + tom re: lic map, teenage engineering funding story

thinking about:
+ interior design (eg ceiling lamp hung closer to the ground than the ceiling)
+ austin re: "this is the best iphone yet"
+ gracefully changing my mind, or re-suspending it, i do what i need in each moment
+ ij ladder metaphor
+ what about being water without surface for myself?

intentional, precise, natural (thus effective)
intuitive, open, and fearless
relaxed yet aware, effortlessly in perfect posture
like my room

-

arvo pärt
laundry in the machine
life in a female bodymind

digicam, homemaking, printed matter
今天下雨

-

感動 on the lounge chair at telos writing birthday message to m
i bow to all the things "i" ever did that led me to these teachings
will have a glass of wine at eyval in m's honor
everything is perfect all the time
things continue to appear
our energy returns and we get things done

-

happy saga dawa

"A change in my own mindset from needing to benefit through action and speech to one centered on presence.
And relations which reflect that"

may every slip of mind serve me

restrained yet relaxed
pure
purposeful
present
gnosis fairy
master of reality

-

so many details to refine on this website

today i talked to
- ri
- anan
- s
- don
- crystal + austin
- vyom + kenneth + praagy + ri
- joyce
- amy
- caren
etc

1/2 through my 3/5th meeting of the day
arvo pärt tape in the morning was immaculate

i like to observe as the days go on

-

- lemon
- parsley
- pasta
- tomato paste
- protein milk x1
- garlic

almost
- lucky charms
- garlic bread paste
- honey

-

nick: look at this photo i took of your bell
me: that's me... waiting for my man...

-

09.06.2025 11:09

nick is here
black birds against grey sky
11:11 from ri
last work week before the date i've been waiting for since the winter
first tibetan class this afternoon
paper
"humans can answer questions"
so true bestie

-

rather than stomping down a path then backtracking i would rather stay suspended and floaty. each step is sacred and drenched in intention and the footprints make a sculpture in the ground for the birds flying above

-

from this mornings yantra session
"so, don't worry, the movement will train you"
“the movement will help you breathe correctly”

from mission impossible the final reckoning
"our cause pales in comparison to the impact of our effect"
"driving without question towards a light we cannot see... for those we'll never meet"

-

06.06.2025 10:24

“if you understand the ultimate, then nothing contradicts. if you understand lots of different relative, you’ll be confused and see lots of contradiction”

“even if you don’t recognize, still there’s only one stage”

"we aren't in samsara, we are samsara"

色即是空
空即是色

-

there is no correct relative truth

-

utterly flawed
brimming with afflictions
made of light
perfect girl

-

05.06.2025 22:22
不鬧了

-

05.06.2025 21:58

i open my eyes and my heart is a rainbow
the three words of garab dorje
and all the ambient sounds of the world
and me, free falling into empty earth
my stomach is made of light
my hair drifting, caressing space
i approach an edge that arose from space and a doom wafts towards me, i turn around to face myself...
reach my hand out to her and say
okay
let's go

-

the truth will set you free
but not until it is finished with you

-

02.06.2025 17:50

june came with fresh
bowl of sea salt for incense
page of the calendar
matte phone screen protector
daylight computer

along with
affirmations from friends
confession and relief
climbing gym trial (no chalk)
cassette tapes from don
iu ballad about impermanence

-

my heart aches
you are blindingly beautiful

-

不急

-

so much i want to show you

-

日子一天一天過

-

28.05.2025 11:58

alan's afties playlist... kisses
earth to - purelink
december - erika de casier
don't die lil thing - europa, bod[包家巷]
gloria's guestbook entires
texting vyom "hi bb how are u"
texting gray about purelink and images
coco trying to make plans
laurent sending me caki pics/vids

i'm doing digital chores
s is doing physical chores
work is slow this week
need 1hr deep stretch session

m quotes echoing in my head, always
"we have to understand everything is completely equivalent to an illusion"

i love these appearances, i love this illusion, i love this dream

prostrations to the ultimate guru, my non-arising mind
"you are young so you have to enjoy life..."

off cycle bonus
perfect aglio e olio for grace

our shared tears
"精緻生活" - ming

perhaps someday ready for devotion...
for now, utterly ready to devote myself
to every one of you
i am yours
i will do my best
you are all safe with me

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28.05.2025 11:56

unreal

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in my noona era

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my perfect angel

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"thanks for the light excuse my unruly conduct cya"
"ur unruly conduct is divine my guy"

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27.05.2025 10:42

room in its state

rest, relax, enjoy my room
when you relax the truth emerges
like clouds manifesting in the sky
bubbles popping
like forgetting
like healing
effortless

hope mikal's is doing well in retreat
hope allan has a safe flight home
love 8 ball
love nick's daily text messages of dharma texts
honored that anan and mashu come to me for advice about art and life
honored to help you
honored to look into your eyes
honored to have your hands around my waist
love shuhua's reflections and practice
love that she shares spiritual musings with me
love that aidan is doing eugene's tibetan grammar course
love that steeng is coming to nyc start of september
love these appearances
love to play
love to have my preferences
love being a fast and concise decision maker
love protected, yet agile
i will do better for all of you

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i rejoice for every chance i have to observe my mind and do better. for me, which is for others. i can sense there's much left to dissolve, much space for growth, much time yet to pass

and i'm thinking about when i might've been hasty, how i can be better at suspending judgement and more careful with my speech.

the spiral upwards, the pleateaus in ij... life repeating itself with characters switched -- this is something i want to expand on further. the myriad ways we pay it forward

i shall discern these fine lines
merge with my knowledge, turn them into body, muscle memory, reflex
wield and weave them
dance with you

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thank you

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tiers of truth

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slept at ~5 woke up at ~8:13, sent a bunch of ig reels to people, brushed teeth, put on sweatpants so i'm all gray, massaged brow muscles, cleaned up tea wares from last night, put on a tape called canyon lip by talk west don brought last night, drank some water, lit incense, did morning practice, paid for tibetan class and checked what else i could knock off the todo list before looking at work... no other suitable item rn. caught up a bit on zt and there are a few threads relevant to what i've been thinking and discussing lately. texted dad, nick, noor, allan, aidan, grace, crystal. peeked into fridge. garlands of raindrops on my window

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what i dislike is also just a mirror for me
to see my own face
my aversions reveal what i must let go of
still, sometimes i am right
and since i care, i must maintain that there are tiers to art and expression in terms of resolution, intention, and long term effect
i still stand by what i said to anan once... about being at peace with a world in which we produce and express significantly less -- it's neither nihilism nor clinging to the perfection of never having started -- it's just a philosophical and aesthetic preference like any other, which comes from intuition and wariness. a natural reaction to the contexts i live in. of course this whole page does the opposite and i have many more ideas and games to play. this page does what i am used to -- practice online vulnerability, play with the screen and self, start without reservations -- and i am having fun

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next round of confusion
next round of answers

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20.05.2025 10:02

got up at 8:30. cleaned and organized apartment. swept, vacuumed, mopped, lit incense, updated to-do list, put clothes away, organized fridge... last night i shut down both of my computers so they are rested and in a good mood, so am i. listened to mashu's tape and then to masakatsu takagi all morning bc gray sent me a specific song last night that had his son's voice in it. it's true i don't know anyone who loves their space as much as i love mine. being in here is a motivator and blessing and i know my heart will ache for it in the near future. but i know many homes, my body-mind is home, friend's words are home, water is home, sky is home. the space between us is home. look forward to hosting new kins in this room on thursday and to the end of this work day

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the perfect conclusion was that this is not a conversation that has to be happening right now
and to question my motives, whether my desires come from past habits and ego clinging or from core themes around my present. to think of life as a branding exercise...
you could hear that i was a little sick and that i'd been skipping my morning routine
i feel lifted... more integrated
thank you for the dance

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happy birthday haerin

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reasons are secondary explanations, like a narrative
causality is just imputation
gratitude is a skillful feeling
countless variables at play in these lives, all ultimately neither here nor there

reading mipham on the flight surrounded by sky
the beauty and ceaseless activities of the sky
clouds and mist and light
all of this is a show
deciding after squinting at the sun for some time that i must focus now
every moment is a chance to rest

I praise the best of teachers
Who taught dependent origination-
Not ceasing, not arising,
Not annihilated, not permanent,
Not going, not coming,
Not different, not the same-
As peace to pacify proliferation.
—Nagarjuna.

the mind is luminous and afflictions flow in
the mind is luminous and afflictions flow out

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愛はいつも
透き通る水のよう
受け止めては
また離れていく
あなたに似ている

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the necessity of arriving at speechlessness
the necessity of being ready to be surprised

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thank you for being my perfect mirror

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06.05.2025 11:04
for all of you indiscriminately
i am water without surface

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05.05.2027 10:58
正在我覺得超過時
剛準備好要後悔時
突然想起 放下來的就放著 不用再拿起
一不小心就忘掉的事實
就小心的一再想起吧

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30.04.2025 22:45
i told nick i can't wait for all of this to be over and he said "it’ll all be over soon, the moment we truly and genuinely realize it never arose to begin with"
mmmmm

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30.04.2025 22:20
there's been a strange taste in my mouth the past week. i got 55/70 on an online korean test. exchanged voice messages with a white guy who became fluent in mandarin in 7 years. he inspired me to get back into my daily routine of language learning. i can't decide if i continue with korean or start japanese now. mark made me a mixtape and is mailing it to me. didn't make it to manhattan today and instead fell asleep in a strange position for 20 minutes and went out to eat mid cheeseburger and fries without my phone -- just sat there in the store and marveled at the 34g of sugar in the ginger ale, which i didn't even want but was part of the combo, i took it home and poured it in the sink. wrote to mikal about how i'm lonely and want physical comfort, he said "this feeling is based on delusion of self and others"... i can't understate the visceral relief i get from such a reminder. let's get straight to the point. i know what am i here to do. let the rest play out, let anyone take me for a ride, let anyone hold my hand and spin me around and i will land gracefully in some pose, stand up straight and take my leave. i can't wait for this all to be over.

in the meantime, i will love

“removing delusion itself also removes the goal…” - m

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27.04.2025 22:33
testing out my entry system again before i go to bed. my body is tingly and i have an urge to dance. the flowers virgile got me are pretty. there's a bag of leftover seafood boil in my fridge that i don't want to eat. i have been post-y lately and i intuit i'll get severely over it in approximately 4 days.
walking around record stores and the tape fair today i felt freshness from touching things i don't know about and guessing at what they are. practicing my intuition and processing speed. each encounter is merely a preview, a dream, a trailer... all the lives we ever lived and all the earnest conversation we had (no matter its aftertaste) are previews of what is behind. in fact everything is always out there all at once. if not through word choice, then through body language, through one's eyes, breath, scent, temperature, subtler and subtler... energy... light...
i don't know what you're thinking or feeling yet, but i can feel you from here, and i know how i'll act, and i know what i am here for. nothing else matters and i am not afraid to be certain for even this certainty is provisional. all views are provisional
“The precious pot containing my riches becomes my teacher in the very moment it breaks.” - Milarepa
“My religion is not deceiving myself." - Milarepa

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testing out my personal twitter i made in the morning while waiting for donavon at the bushwick la cabra we are going to the tape fair

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27.04.2025 08:48
there is only the foam of time digesting letters written in sand.
and there is my conduct, which is free from accepting and rejecting.

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24.04.2025 23:40
bursting at the seams with gratitude. perfect triptych on a thursday night with don - earth, death, dreams...
logged my 1100th film on letterboxd
call w mikal in the morning listening to his love story, thinking about discrepancies between what is known and what is felt... contradictions between what i've said aloud and what i feel and act on myself. i see how magic happens when i share. how could i not lean in?
i still want to be in somebodies arms, still want to be home in somebody's body. who are you? please come to me, or make me come to you.

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22.04.2025 02:10
happy birthday to me. may i maintain the four immeasurables towards all sentient beings, may my practice be steady, thorough, pure, and effective. may all beings be free from suffering and the cause of suffering.

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21.04.2025 15:42
bloated. having a space like this is indulgent. this is a gift of a new home for 29yo mad, in anticipation of me shedding my physical home in new york soon.
as lively and light as i've been, i find such comfort in darkness. in death, shadows, night, grey, tears, bitterness, grand loneliness and cold marble surfaces... thinking of my animal crossing passport title of "teary eyed fish"... i cry into water and it is all the same.
i am perfect just as i am, i have always been, i have always known this, i continue to know this and i never doubt it. but still i seek to grow, learn new skills, learn new people, still i want to go to school, make art, i want to be loved and held and looked for. i want flowers, and music, and wine, and jewelry and soft strokes. even devotion, once i'm ready.

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20.04.2025 14:25
witnessing the trees of new york blush into blooms and then turn a little somber before smiling into chartreuse. of course i see myself in everything
but there is something about this story of being shy, then being a little existential, contemplating death and so on, and then remembering play, remembering light, remembering youth.

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17.04.2025 23:04
i finally know what i would do if i were to die in days, i know who i would tell first, all the questions i would ask...
i'm finally back with my words and feeling at ease with myself after fumbling and getting scratched all over, scabbing and picking at scabs and needing something from someone. now i just sit down, i look slightly up, there is a rainbow in my heart.
there's so much i'm looking forward to, including death. i must do well.
i have 3 plans to see friends in the next week and i saved the weekend to myself. i'm happy i have an online home now that feels true to my values.
i rejoice that when i have to pull up something to share about spring 2025 and onwards, i will be pulling up madqh.com and not instagram.com/madqh
i look forward to sitting at a sweet cafe and cleaning up code. i know i will be looking so fresh and clean.
all sounds are mantra
i want to write, dance, kiss, bathe, touch, whisper, share slowly, bond slowly, merge slowly into the space that is no different than this body.

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16.04.2025 21:34
just as the air in a vase merges with the surrounding space when the vase is broken

i'm thinking about how to make a transparent website and listening to mount eerire and poison girl friend. i have some plans for this space in the coming year. i'm turning 29 in ~5 days. this morning i read a chapter in a book about this "lady of absolute space" which is a name for Ekajati, a wrathful protector of Dzogchen teachings, and felt inspired. this site is somewhat a result of the impact of that phrase on that page.